So you’ve decided to celebrate your love on this, the most February 14th of days.

About a billion valentines cards are exchanged each year, and it’s thought that around 78% of those are unwanted. If you’re lucky enough to have found a person who might welcome your advances, follow these surefire tips to keep him or her interested.

Remember that Burger King is not generally thought to be an acceptable place for a first date, unless you’re one of our Welsh readers.

After the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey, you may wish to put a hold on asking your date if she’d like to “see your playroom”. Whilst the idea of whips, restraints and ball-gags might excite, it’s unlikely that your collection of board games, toy trains and action figures will generate the same sort of reaction.

Try to be Benedict Cumberbatch. Despite his oblong head, tiny newborn piglet eyes and beautiful girlish cheekbones, he still manages to dampen more undergarments than you could ever dream of.

Wow.

Wow.

Constantly talking about your ex will show her how passionate and committed to relationships you are! Really drive home how much you loved her, how much she hurt you and add a sprinkling of sincere tears to seal the deal.

Finally, start vaping. Buy the biggest vaping device you can, and smoke it constantly. Blow curls of creamy, vapey smoke into that beautiful face and with your most sultry voice, ask “you like that? That’s homemade mango/mint crush e-liquid.”

Best of luck in your quest to catch, tame and own a human companion.