All migration statistics are to be expressed as multiples of Newcastle, the Office for National Statistics has announced.

Under the new reporting standard, net migration by European Union citizens was 0.6 Newcastles over the past year. The figure for non-EU citizens was 0.7 Newcastles.

There was a net emigration by British citizens of a fifth of Newcastle, equivalent to the part of the city that knows how to play football, the ONS suggests.

Nicola Black, the ONS National Statistician, explained the change: “We wanted to make these statistics more relatable, and we’ve updated the city estimates under the same standards too. Greater London is the equivalent of 29.4 Newcastles. That’s loads!

We’re running on a consultation on whether to express all public spending in terms of the number of nurses or how many state-of-the-art hospitals you could build.”

Emma Gillibrand, a confused voter, said: “Wait, how many people live in Newcastle? All the website says is that it is the equivalent of 1 Newcastle.”