Sick of all the meagre, bland and gruelling diets that never seem to work? Desperately want that beach body but love Domino’s just that little bit too much? Well fear not, an amazing new diet that allows you to eat WHAT-YOU-WANT is taking the dieting world by storm.

The Salmonella diet, as endorsed by pseudoscientist and human pencil Dr Gillian Mckeith, provides a fast, effective and economic method for losing that excess Christmas weight or those few unwanted puppy-fat pounds. Additionally, the diet requires no calorific or portion-size restrictions, no expensive shakes or bars and very little planning or preparation.

The diet, as described in Mckeith’s new dieting book ‘Flush away the Flab’, consists of three easy-to-follow steps.

Day 1: Start the diet by eating 6 raw eggs, or alternatively lick a tortoise vigorously.

Day 2: Continue with your day to day business and eat as normal. Stock up on toilet paper and good quality literature such as Andy McNab’s Bravo Two Zero.

Day 3: Continue life as normal, but ideally remain within close proximity of a toilet.

The diet has been receiving high praise from dieters and food nutritionists. Vanessa, 54, from London, told BFNN about her experience with the Salmonella diet.

‘‘I’ve tried everything. From Aitkens to the Toblerone diet, but nothing would help me lose weight. However, after just 2 weeks of the Salmonella diet, I’d shat out over three stone! That’s the weight of an average Yorkshire terrier!’’.

Dr Gillian Mckeith also details a range of other similar diets designed to suit the needs of fatties of all sizes, including the ‘Campylobacter challenge’ and the ‘Ramadan away the Rolls’ approaches. Flush away the Flab is available in all piss-poor book shops for an overpriced fee.