“Banksy”, the Graffiti World’s answer to Bono, has recently got one of his mates to announce that his latest art installation “Dismaland” is due to close early in the New Year.

After an initial flurry of interest, word got out amongst art aficionados of a place where not only could they view soul-destroying grimness for free, but also be sucked into it forever if they’re not careful.

The town of Warrington was discovered by renowned art critic Gunner Rhys-Whittaker, who told our reporter, “Dismaland is a little too wishy-washy and mainstream for the people in the know. We want to see art that is raw and unfettered. Basically, if it doesn’t make me want to self-harm then it’s not worth looking at.”

Visitors start their adventure at Warrington Jobcentre Plus, where they can become one of several thousand applicants sanctioned for failing to land a job as a Subway Trainee Sandwich Technician. They can then move on to JD Sports where they are encouraged to take off their socks and infect themselves with athlete’s foot from a shocking pair of Triple White Huaraches.

The tour concludes with a trip around Gemini Retail Park, and through a wide, squat building labelled IKEA. Visitors are funnelled through the doorway and can spend a bleak five hours wandering in circles, desperately seeking the exit, whilst loading themselves up with spatulas, table lights that look like anti-lick dog cones and meatballs that don’t taste like they used to.

The more hard core art fan can end their day with a bonus detour to nearby Preston, where they can throw themselves off the famous Bus Station, specifically built to be low enough not to kill any jumpers, but high enough to smash their faces in.

Anyone wishing to visit will have to hurry, however, as on the heels of the surge in tourism Warrington Council are planning to begin charging thrill-seekers £11.50 to enter Warrington and £129.50 to leave.