National adventure-man Bear Grylls faced his toughest challenge this week, as he taught Etonian David Cameron how to survive in Britain’s harshest neighbourhood.
Bear Grylls, also known as the ‘less fat Ray Mears’, commenced filming for his latest series in Moss Side, Manchester, earlier this week. Grylls is renowned for his resilience and tenacity, which has allowed him to survive in some of the world’s most desolate environments, including apparently, David Cameron’s presence.
For his latest series, Bear will try and teach some of Britain’s best-loved celebrities how to stay alive in various hostile and demanding locations. This week saw Grylls and Cameron rough-it out for almost 8 hours in the sodden-greyness of Mancunian wasteland.
Cameron, in Hunter wellies and a Barbour gilet, was dropped off by his chauffeur at 0500 hours. He was quickly joined by a typically shit-smeared Grylls, who lead the PM deep into a council estate.
As fear and exhaustion began to set in, Grylls managed to hydrate himself by slurping his own piss, and even rustled up snack for himself in the form of a passing cat. Meanwhile, a dilapidated David was seen retching over a Gregg’s sausage roll.
The pair were then briefly separated as Cameron chased after an urban-fox but became lost and disorientated in a maze of terraced houses. After asking a group of local ethnic youths if they had an Ordinance Survey map, he was eventually reunited with Grylls, who had been siphoning petrol through his rectum to salvage valuable nutrients. The day culminated in Bear telling a teary-Prime Minister to ‘man up’ after he had refused to walk past a working men’s club.
A fatigued Cameron spoke to BFNN about his experience.
‘I’m absolutely aghast. I can’t believe cesspits like this are still in existence. Bear has taught me much about friendship, endeavour and camaraderie, but realistically I’m not going to leave London again. I can’t wait to get home to a nice, juicy slab of pork, and something tasty for dinner!’
Next week will see Bear teach the outspoken Katie Hopkins how to stay alive in some of Birmingham’s most “Islamified” areas.