The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has warned that an exit from the EU will result in an outbreak of Old Testament style plagues.

“I’ve spoken to God”, said Cameron, “and He has assured me that Britain’s membership of the EU is an integral part of His Great Eternal Plan, and were we to vote to leave, He would be well miffed, leaving Him no choice but to smite us greatly. He had warned that Brexit would result in the deaths of all of our firstborn but it turns out that EU regulations prohibit what are known as ‘Direct Terminal Consequence Plagues’ so he’s had to tone down his plans somewhat.

It’ll still be rather nasty though, in that the rivers will run with blood and thence will springeth a host of frogs, laying waste to the land and all thereon. Anything that’s left post-frog will be devoured by a back-up swarm of locusts”.

When asked to comment, God said that he had no recollection of actually meeting with Cameron but thought that was probably down to His dodgy memory. “Being both eternal and omnipresent does give you a shit load to remember”, said the Supreme Being, “and I’ve had a lot on My plate recently … just keeping Paradise topped up with a steady supply of virgins keeps Me busy!”.

He was in no doubt however, that Mr Cameron’s version of events was true. “After all”, said The Maker of All Things, “why would a Prime Minister lie to his own people?”

— Ian Black