Foreign Secretary and dumbfounded labrador Boris Johnson has unveiled radical new plans to test the resolve and determination of Syrian immigrants to get into the country – by making them compete in Takeshi’s Castle.
Takeshi’s Castle was a popular Japanese TV show where contestants were forced at gunpoint to take part in dangerous games, e.g. running through cardboard barriers or sumo-wrestling a man dressed as a potato, in much the same way as if a clown ran a death camp.
Johnson believes a regeneration of the show will sort the immigration fiasco which currently has men entering the country at a faster rate than your mum.
“Asylum should be means-tested and the best way to do that is to pit refugees against each other in humiliating games.
If a contestant successfully completes the assault course then they shall be given a supermarket trolley and will be asked to ‘storm’ the border control at Calais. If they are still standing then they shall be given a British passport”.
Craig Charles has been contacted about the possibility of commentating the games, which are scheduled to begin early 2018, with early polls suggesting refugees are “delighted” at the thought of a rigorous physical test to escape the traumatic destruction of their homeland.