Experts have deduced there is an extremely high probability that the British Women’s Hockey Team will make out with each other after their gold medal Olympic win.

One pervert gave us his prediction: “I’ve done loads of maths and have worked out that whilst taking showers after the game, the girls will erupt into spontaneous hugging and hi-fiving which will then become more tender as they become aware of each other’s proximity. They’ll be all steamy and soapy and that, and one of them will gently brush the other’s lips with hers. Probably Georgia Twigg and Sam Quick, they look like a pair of rum-‘uns.

After that it’s all going to kick off, with a 78% probability of Kate Richardson-Walsh getting involved and then the rest of them wading in shortly after, with the exception of Alexandra Danson who will just dry herself briskly and then sit in a corner playing Jelly Splash. (64%)

The probability of a bit of sapphic rumpy pumpy broadcast live on British TV has excited many eager masturbators, Clare Balding amongst them