In a bid to strengthen the camaraderie of his Cabinet MPs, David Cameron secretly organised a Battle Royale at the last reshuffle to find out who can come across as the most massive twat that happens to represent a constituency they’ve neither been to nor care about.

Iain Duncan Smith, former Work and Pensions Secretary and current bell end, was first to withdraw from the running, after he found himself morally unable to physically starve the unemployed to death. His fellow Cabinisters labelled him a “soft touch” and Michael Gove called him “a right soppy twat”.

But since then, things have hotted up in the bid to find Britain’s most penile politician, as each looks to outdo the last.

Nicky Morgan announced earlier this year she intends to stop women from accessing education to create a new generation of Stepford Wives – dumb servants eagerly awaiting the return home of their husbands from the golf club.

Aforementioned Michael Gove pissed over her strawberries by re-introducing the death penalty for murderers, rapists, people who look a bit “scruffy” and anyone who sneers at a picture of Her Majesty The Queen.

The Right Dishonourable Theresa May took the lead by taking human rights away for anybody without a moat around their second home.

But currently in first place in the Tory Twat competition is Secretary of State for Health Jeremy (c)Hunt whose ongoing ploy to ruin the NHS puts him in prime form to become the biggest twat in the cabinet.

Except for Cameron, who, we’d like to remind you, fucked a dead pig’s head.