80s acceptability barometer Calvin Harris has decided to quit the DJing scene after being offered the post of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry – in a move that will surely bemuse his fanbase.
The Defence Against the Dark Arts position has long been cursed so that it’s incumbent may be so for only a year. It has since claimed the life/job/sanity of every teacher since being refused to Lord Voldemort in the 50s.
Such a curse was also believed to have been placed on lovers of Taylor Swift, such that they can only remain with the feline fancy for a matter of months. One or More of the Jonas Brothers and the Haircut from One Direction are known to be victims of the curse.
However, acclaimed button pusher, Harris has managed to foil the Swift Hex, having been emotionally attached to Catwoman for well over a year now. And for this success, Harris received a letter from Hogwarts inviting him to become the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.
“I don’t know anything about magic but I’m eager to learn. They’re just happy they’ll be able to hang on to me for more than a year”, said the Scottish musician.