It has been revealed that Mary Cameron is recovering in a hospital corridor after losing her footing during a stampede to sign up to the Tories’ parenting classes yesterday.

Witnesses tell us that she and Felicity Alexandra Loxton-Peacock, George Osbourne’s mother, were both vying to be the first to sign up to the course when she tripped and went down hard, losing her position to Loxton-Peacock at the last second. However, it has since been decided that due to the urgency of the matter, all parents of Tory MP are to be given priority places.

Although the details have yet to be finalized, sources tell us that proposed modules will include:

Recognising how poor discipline or lack of consequences may encourage antisocial behaviour

The negative impact of drug, alcohol and child abuse

The importance of sharing nicely

Supporting your child in learning basic mathematics

Recognizing when your child is telling a big, fat fucking massive lie

If the first phase proves to be a success, the government plans to roll out the scheme to the parents of MP’s in UKIP as well as staunch New Labour diehards in 2018.