Hipster coffee-merchants Costa are set to release a new ‘water-only’ beverage to appease all whiney killjoys.

The new ‘Tepidaquachino’ range in will be rolled-out across all retail outlets over the course of the next month, in a last-ditch attempt to get smug, health-conscious, tree-hugging, anti-capitalist spoilsports off their case. The move comes after Action on Sugar, a pressure group comprised of mainly obese people, blamed Costa for the fat epidemic that is currently at rife in the UK.

Costa have announced that the Tepidaquachino will not contain any milk; to reduce the fat content and environmental impact of the drink. Neither will it contain any sugar. The drink will also be coffee and caffeine-free, to minimise destruction to the rainforest and to help improve customer sleeping patterns. The beverage will be served lukewarm (to prevent mouth burns) in recyclable-hemp cups. A Venti Tepidaquachino will retail at £3.79, so that customers still get that pleasant feeling of buying overpriced goods.

Costa’s marketing director, Sally Aulait, said that Costa was ‘committed to bringing mediocre beverages to communities across the world, while quashing any independent, family-run businesses that attempt to get in their way.’ Campaign groups are yet to comment on the announcement, although water conservation charity WaterAid has raised concerns about the amount of water that Costa puts into its drinks.