Human detritus and N-Dubz vocalist Dappy has confessed fears he may be the next iconic superstar to die in 2016.
Bad boy Dappy, better known as Costadinos Contostavlos, revealed to OK! Magazine that he expects his highly illustrious and influential music career makes him a forerunner to be the next celebrity victim of 2016. Following the recent deaths of loveable comedian Victoria Wood and music sensation Prince, being a celebrity is now officially classed as a ‘high risk profession’ by the Department for Work and Pensions.
Dappy rose to low-level familiarity in 2008 with mediocre pop band N-Dubz. Along with cousin Tulisa (who is now a professional adult worker), the band released a handful of catchy rhythms epitomised by Contostavlos’s droning-North London vocals. Despite being a self-heralded ‘lovely chap’, Dappy’s fame soon grew to infamy after a string of unfortunate mishaps, including;
January 2010: Texting a Radio One listener threatening to kill her, despite being an ambassador for the Government’s anti-bullying “R U Cyber Safe?” campaign
April 2010: Caught on CCTV taking Mephedrone in a nightclub
April 2010: Caught smoking cannabis in Alton Towers
October 2011: Arrested on suspicion of assaulting the mother of his two children
February 2012: Dappy was arrested and bailed on suspicion of affray
January 2013: Contostavlos was found guilty by a jury at Guildford Crown Court of assault by beating
October 2013: Hit a man on his nose at a nightclub in Reading. Later convicted of assault
February 2014: Again hit a man in Chelmsford, later convicted of common assault and fined
Costadinos explained that his impressive musical legacy, combined with his easy-going and friendly reputation make him a ‘dead-cert’ to be struck down at some point this year. When asked how he expected to go, the repugnant drip replied;
‘Probably assassination innit? Nah mate, actually probably during sex, ha, yeah death by STIs ha ha ha’.
While many may find Dappy’s claims both unfounded and wholly insensitive, there’s probably a little bit of all of us that hope Mr Reaper will be happy to acquiesce to his request.