As the battle to be the next President of the United States of America heats up, both candidates are making last minute pledges to win over undecided voters. Hillary Clinton has repeatedly appealed to middle America, hoping that her experience as a diplomat will lead her to being the first female President since President Dolly Parton in 1976. However, Republican candidate Donald Trump has gone one further, speaking passionately from a rally in Texas earlier this afternoon:

“I promise” said Trump, speaking to a baying crowd of thoughtful and well educated supporters, “to build a great wall around every pussy liberal state that votes for Hillary, people.”

“I also promise to cut off their supplies to Starbucks lattes and abortion clinics and then we’ll watch their un-American asses starve to death.”

Trump assured members of his good looking and well dressed audience that he would make sure that the states in question would be paying for the walls themselves, and that he would get some rapist Mexicans to do the work before sending those ‘bad hombres’ back to “Canada or Cuba or wherever it is they come from.”
The sensitive and politically informed attendees of the Trump rally then politely chanted: “U.S.A! U.S.A!” before returning to their enriched and cultured lives. We managed to interview some of them on the way out of the rally:

“Well I think it’s just great” said Lou-Anne, a 33 year old supporter who had travelled all the way from Biscuit Tin, Wyoming to attend the speech “I want to make America great again, and the best way to do that is to give loads of power to an eccentric misogynist.”

“People say that he’s racist” added Billie-Bob Jenkins, a first time voter draped in a Confederate flag and a ‘don’t tread on me’ t-shirt, “but Obama is a Muslim who wasn’t even born in America so don’t come on my property or I’ll shoot you.”

Hillary Clinton was too busy throwing her laptop hard drive into the sea to give comment on the matter.

                                                               -Samuel Thurston