The Democratic Unionist Party have announced they will relax ‘under limited circumstances’ their strict policy on abortion as part of their negotiations with the Conservative Party. These circumstances are limited to the baby being gay.

A Conservative spokesman said they were pleased with the progress that had been made. “We were in a bit of a rush, to be honest, but we’ve already reached agreement on this,” he said. “We had to get something organised by Monday, and well, they don’t work on the Lord’s day, but we had a very productive Saturday afternoon. Anything you may have heard about witch burning has been taken completely out of context. That is just at the consultation stage.”

Critics have complained that the sexuality of an unborn baby is hard to determine scientifically, but the DUP have pointed to their manifesto as proof that they live in a ‘post-science’ world. “There’s no need for science,” said a DUP spokesman. “We have top men looking into a less intrusive, more faith-based approach to telling whether a baby is gay.” When asked who in particular would be involved, he would only say “top men”. It is believed that one of the men is Jesus.

“We can be reasonable,” he continued. “The media have painted us as nothing but a bunch of homophobes, bigots, New Earth Creationists, terrorist sympathisers and climate change deniers, but there is more to us than that. We have Flat Earthers as well.”