Britain woke up this morning to the news that we have voted to leave the European Union. The polls and bookies were both predicting the result wrong as they failed to take into account the power of the high numbers of elderly and uneducated voters.

“We just forgot about them” said vote remain chiefs “we canvassed all the normal places and had won all the televised debates, we used reason and measured argument to convince the nation to stay in the EU. It turns out we would have been better off bribing the elderly with shortbread and the uneducated with McDonald’s vouchers or some pogs”

Voter turnouts among the elderly and uneducated were impressive, with experts guessing that as much as 9/10 decrepit and 8/10 thick people finding their way to the polling booth.

“And I’m glad I used a pen, everyone knows if you write your vote in pencil it will get rubbed out, recycled and used to print copies of The Guardian” said Dennis Narrowmind, an Essex voter who finds himself in both the elderly and uneducated demographic.

“Now houses will be worth 50p again, and it’ll never rain, and Geoff Hurst will win us the World Cup – and we won’t get caught in any Brussels red tape if we choose to lynch mob a poofter every once in a while”

A key part of the leave campaigns argument was to promise that the £350m we spend on EU membership would be paid into the NHS. Nigel Farage has appeared on breakfast tv this morning to explain that this was a mistake and when he said NHS he meant Nicotine, Hog lumps and Stella Artois – not the National Health Service as everyone assumed.