Theresa May intervened today in the ongoing row regarding ‘political symbols’ on the England football kit. The jobsworth FA have decided that England can’t have it’s own remembrance symbols on the kit, even though the Republic of Ireland have had ‘Fuck the Black and Tans’ on their home kit since 1916.
“I think it’s ridiculous” says May, speaking direct from her hollowed-out volcano base. “We are England and this symbol is really important to our boys, John Terry in particular really feels this isn’t something we can compromise on”
“So the England football kit WILL sport a black swastika on a white and red background in memoriam to all of Blighty’s fallen Daily Mail readers, despite what the politically correct, namby pamby FA says, even if it costs us a points reduction for our crucial Euro qualification games against San Marino, Gibraltar and Bongo Bongo Land.”
The senior England players were keen to celebrate the decision, Wayne Rooney ate some extra pies and practiced falling over just outside of the penalty box, Theo Walcott has hit the training ground barn door 4 times out of 100 this week and Jack Wilshere has cut down to just 40 Bensons a day (although he insists this is nothing to do with his reduced wages now he plays at Bournemouth AFC).
“I think it’s really good” said midfielder James Milner, from his beige living room in the midlands.
Frank Skinner and David Baddeil’s new footy anthem ‘Hooray for the Blackshirts’ has soared up the charts since the Brexit referendum, with lyrics like “Ing-er-land! Ing-er-land! We hate the fuzzie wuzzies” being particularly popular at Millwall, West Ham and Chelsea football games. The music video features Nigel Farage winning the 1966 world cup with a pint in his hand and the Queen punching Angela Merkel while Henning Wehn looks on helplessly.
The Scotland team will wear kilts, woad and the scalps of their forefathers as is tradition north of Hadrians’ Wall. They have been promised an all-they-can-eat Wimpy Burger session at the M1 Service Station after the game if they manage to lose by no more than 4 goals.
– Samuel Thurston