The EU has today implemented the first official step of their separation from the United Kingdom – telling them to fuck off.

A European politician told us: “This bit’s horrible. Emotions are high which is of course the best time for both sides to tell each other what they really think.

The UK started it by saying something that they’ve been stewing over for ages. Then came the ‘Out’ vote, and there’s no coming back from that shit.

Today the EU have issued an official response:

We can’t believe you’re doing this. We’ve been there for you through so much, and you never even acknowledged it. All you think about are the bad bits. Your royal family all look like butter beans and you smell like sour milk. We gave you Dolcelatte and you gave us some white crumbly shit that tastes like an old goat dipped in vinegar. Fucking Crocs, who wears them?? We’ve always liked Turkey more anyway. We gave you everything and you think that YOU’RE the only ones contributing? Fine. Fuck off then, dickheads, enjoy the fracking and the rain.”

In stage two the UK will then be required to wait in silence for a period of two weeks, and then send a drunken response at 3:30 in the morning, begging to be allowed to come back in. In response, the EU must not reply but increase their Facebook presence with lots of photos of them having fun with Turkey and looking fantastic.

The third and last stage is both parties slagging off the other to America and finally the return of property and destruction of gifts.