In a groundbreaking study for his latest book “Masturbation: The Pursuit of Self-Happiness” Prof. Michael Johansen of the New York Institute for Psychology has published results which link loneliness, masturbation and the time of year.
 
Professor of Wankenomics Johansen tracked thousands of social media accounts and compared them with view counts on some of the world’s most popular pornography websites. Johansen also gave regular online personality surveys to over 20,000 test subjects in the US, UK and Australia.
 
The paper published today, which will become part of the new book, states; “We found a rise in the correlation between loneliness and masturbation in the winter months. In the US and UK it was between November and February, in Australia was between June and August. This is probably because in those cold winter months, instead of going out and meeting partners, people would rather stay in, keep warm, and knock one off the wrist.”
 
The study continues, “We found we could actually pinpoint exact days when people were at their loneliest, from social media posts and from our surveys. This corresponded with a spike in views to porn sites. We found that Valentines day was the biggest mix of loneliness and bashing the bishop. All those single people staying home, wallowing in self-pity, and doing the 5-knuckle-shuffle followed by a big cry. It is clear from our scientific study that February 14th is by far the loneliest wank of the year.”
 
We also see ‘fury-wanks’ the day after a big election. Porn viewing is more frequent but the viewing time is mush shorter. People are so angry at the result of an election, they pump out a quick tune on the love trumpet as fast as they can.”
If you are with someone this Valentines Day, have a wonderful time and don’t forget to visit our Guide to Seduction for some tips. If you are single don’t forget to buy tissues for your tears and…well…you know.