You may remember recent grumblings from the direction of the FBI where they attempted to force Apple into unlocking a criminal’s iPhone. Apple initially refused on the grounds that it breaches their Ts & Cs (that the FBI definitely read before making the phone call).

The tussle is still on-going but it is believed the initial correspondence went as thus:

FBI: Hello? Apple? This is the FBI calling. We need you to unlock this guy’s phone. He’s done some bad shit

Apple: Nah mate.

Closer to British shores (or more specifically, on them) a similar titanic struggle is being waged, as GCHQ have written, formally, to the CEO of Microsoft to request help to unlock a PDF file.

The unknown file is believed to have been the weekly menu from the canteen, circulated every Monday, which has subsequently stumped the firm’s best ICT brass when they were asked to provide a password. Senior IT official Jeremy Patton said to BFNN:

I’ve never seen anything like it from such a file. You go to open the file as normal but then they ask you to provide some kind of word to see any further. It has the entire office befuddled as we were looking forward to Fish & Chip Friday but now we can’t be sure when that is.

An angry e-mail has been sent to Microsoft from Patton demanding their immediate help under the Freedom of Information Act, but the tech giants have yet to deign them with a response. Patton threatened that if a response was not received in 30 days they would be “switching to that Linux thing”.