As teenagers up and down the country await their GCSE results, Mark “Scabby” Fisher has urged pupils not to worry too much.

“They literally mean nothing,” Scabby likes to tell youngsters outside McDonalds, “I didn’t get any and I’ve turned out fine. I’m only living on the street because I got unlucky, nothing to do with my GCSE!”

We tracked Scabby down one afternoon and asked him more about his academic career, “I never really bothered in school, my parents told me I didn’t need to bother, could just work down market or claim jobseekers,” he admitted, “Turns out that kind of stuff requires writing, counting and being able to read a clock and whatever. But the GCSEs, irrelevant.”

Many students, however, remain unconvinced by Scabby’s anecdotes. “I want to be a Doctor,” one ambitious teen told us, “I’m pretty sure you need GCSEs to do that”