Failed Chancellor George Osborne has started work on a Brexit-themed romance novel, it has been revealed. ‘Article Fifty Shades of Grey’, a work of sadomasochistic fiction, is scheduled to be released in time for Valentine’s Day, the highpoint of the romance season. Mr Osborne was already well-known for his fiction, having manipulated economic statistics constantly during his time as Chancellor.
Friends of Mr Osborne say they are ‘not surprised’ by his interest in writing. “I’m not surprised,” said Desire Babylon, an ex-prostitute, exotic dancer and cocaine enthusiast who knew Mr Osborne when he was a student. “He’s good with words, and with his tongue generally. He’s had some great lines over the years. In fact, on several occasions, we had some great lines together.”
His publishers have now released an excerpt from the raunchy novel:
“This isn’t working out, but I need time to think about stuff,” said Britain, announcing the referendum.
“But we’re so much better together,” said Europe. “Please don’t go.”
“I’ve made up my mind,” said Britain, after the referendum. “I’m leaving you.”
“Bastard!” said Europe. “I’m going to make it hard for you if you divorce me.”
“I’m definitely leaving you and I definitely think we should be separated, but I’ve not decided whether I want to divorce you or even whether I want to move out,” said Britain. “There are practical issues to be considered. Where would I go?”
“You should have thought about that before you told me you were leaving,” sniffed Europe. “The WTO might still be interested. They take anyone. Why would I want you to live with me and be married to me if we weren’t in a relationship?”
“Maybe there’s a way we can have our cake and eat it?”
“I get the cake. You just get a plate of salt and vinegar. Now fuck off.” Europe felt a pang of guilt at Britain’s tears. “I might consider taking you back if you changed your mind about leaving me, but divorce means divorce…”