On Thursday Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany stood by her open door policy to Syrian Refugees. “We firmly reject this” she said at a press conference when pressured to reverse her stance on the issue.

Yesterday however saw a sudden change of events as she announced to the world that Germany was closing its doors due to “Increased activity from Jehovah’s Witnesses.” According to reports by German media outlets, thousands of Jehovah’s Witnesses have seized the opportunity of opened doors to enter people’s homes at the early hours of the morning to spread the word of God.

“Quite frankly I think it’s disgusting how we’ve opened up to all these people and now a select few have taken advantage and spoiled it for everyone”, claimed a woman from Munich with a name we can’t spell.

These issues come to light more prominently after last week a Jehovah’s Witness angrily placed flyers into the pockets of 20 people on a train in Bavaria.

There have also been alleged reports of Jehovah’s witnesses roaming city streets in gangs aggressively offering people salvation and throwing Bibles through living room windows.

Right wing groups have been seen protesting the decision marching through major cities with signs such as “#NotAllWitnesses” and “We Stand With Jehovah”.

German doors are expected to close with an aggressive “Fuck off it’s too early for this shit” in the coming weeks.


– Joseph Kerr