A torrent of giant, sex starved spiders is set to invade British homes and crawl inside your mouth while you sleep, according to arachnologist.
The spiders, which have been described as “big as fuck”, are set to migrate indoors to mate as temperatures outside drop.
Michael Legs, of the Spider Appreciation Society, claims that almost every British home will be affected by the spiders and one in every five mouths will have a spider in it at some stage.
“You’ve probably already had a spider in your mouth to be perfectly honest with you,” Legs told us earlier. “They just love dark, damp places so a human mouth is an ideal spot for them to rest. If you ever wake with a bitter taste in your mouth, that’s almost certainly the taste of spider piss, if you sleep with your mouth open, it’s definitely going to happen.”
“They’re totally harmless, although they are quite big and could be a choking hazard if they crawl down your throat,” continued Legs. “That’s quite unlikely to happen because they’re so sex starved that almost certainly they’ll be on the lookout for some spider poontang so they’ll want to be able to see out of your mouth at all times”
“Luckily, spiders have eight legs but no arms or hands, otherwise they’d almost certainly be wanking in your mouth too.”
If you’re worried about spiders in your house, get a grip, they’re totally harmless you idiot.