37-year-old Sharon Walmsley recently gave herself a new lease of life by voluntarily setting out on a gluten-free diet and she is currently sitting on the edge of her seat in anticipation of telling literally everybody she knows.

“The only downfall so far is that I started the diet on a Saturday so I now have to wait two whole days before I can pass on the good news to everybody at work!” a beaming, and slightly emaciated Sharon told us.

Sharon was put in touch with the fad – erm lifestyle, by a friend who had embarked upon Domino’s Scoff-As-Much-Fucking-Pizza-As-You-Want-So-Long-As-It’s-Gluten-Free-Crust health plan. Just hours after making the necessary nutritional adjustments, Sharon says she can already feel the difference.

I’m shitting through the eye of a needle, but my skin feels much better!”

Ms Walmsley is delighted to return to work and highlight just how going gluten-free would improve the pathetic and disgusting lives of her colleagues. With the damning report that by 2030 Diabetes will have become so prevalent that some people will have contracted it twice, Sharon feels the time is right for her spotty, glutinous, office-floor sharers to start doing something about it.

Sharon believes everyone going gluten-free would improve nutrition the world over, make people smell colours and make Batman vs Superman not such a terrible movie.

Currently no exact science exists – the stuff that’s actually provable – to support the notion that having a gluten-free diet will markedly change your lifestyle, but generic Facebook health supplement pushers are adamant of its benefits.