Home Secretary, Theresa May, expressed her sincere apologies today over the widespread confusion that apparently everybody, irrespective of class and number of teeth, is entitled to human rights.

No, no they just put that bit in to make it easy to read for the plebs of the world, like when an author gives their main character a drinking problem to make it relatable to the working classes”, said May in regards to the European Convention on Human Rights.

The Convention was drafted in 1948 to present every man, woman and child in its signatory states with a set of inalienable rights, designed not to be taken and stomped into the mud by a morally bankrupt Conservative government.

But almost 70 years down the line, the Tories have decided a huge misunderstanding must have arisen, where some mis-translation in the text led to everyone believing they were owed rights and protections by the State, and not just those that can afford them.

May elaborated: “Human Rights are only available to the people that can afford them. Like Bupa. If you want the right to a fair trial, you have to have the money to bribe a jury of your peers. It’s just common sense. If you’re a bit skint, there’s always benefits you can go on. They’re pretty generous in themselves.

Other senior Tory MPs have come out in support of May’s propositions. Chancellor George Osborne believes the amount of rights a person gets should depend on the amount of text he or she pays, while Michael-Heinrich Gove-Himmler thinks May is too soft in her approach, advocating for expensive resources such as water to be restricted to wealth and class.