Fans of Harry Potter are rejoicing today after J.K. Rowling confirmed that she is writing a further three books featuring the beloved child wizard as he negotiates his way through the horrors of adulthood.
In an exclusive interview ex-billionaire Ms Rowling told our reporter that she has already named the books and established the plots. The first book in the trilogy, “Harry Potter and the Money for Old Rope,” finds Harry Potter working in a tiny office under the stairs in the Fireball Broomstick Company’s Accounting Division, with a benevolent Team Leader and a two-faced Managing Director named Alan who will do anything to smash through last year’s sales figures and become the next C.E.O.
The second book, “Harry Potter and the Corpse of the Flogged Horse,” picks up where the last story left off. Harry’s Managing Director Alan has made a full recovery from his nervous breakdown and is back up in everyone’s grill, encouraging his mates to slag Harry off and generally chatting shit about him.
The last book, “Harry Potter and the Death of a Franchise,” finds Harry Potter living in a tent and panhandling in Diagon Alley after being “let go” from the FBC. Almost everyone has taken Alan’s side, and he and his two reluctant chums’ only option is to destroy everything that that smug cunt Alan holds precious.
Not everyone likes the idea of a continuation of the saga. When pressed, famous Potter fan Jeremy Corbyn expressed mild concern, suggesting that, “Perhaps three new books may be stretching the series a little too thin.”
However Rowling’s immediately poo-poo’d the idea, swiftly tweeting that, “Perhaps Jeremy fucking Corbyn needs to shut his whore mouth before someone stretches him a little too thin.”