Chubby advert botherer and Gavin and Stacey star James Corden was this morning eaten by sharks in an incident described by experts as “a Valentine’s gift for all humanity.”

The smug Car Pool Karaoke presenter was swimming in a pool of advertising money, the spoils of his affiliation with Webuyanycar, Confused.com, Sainsburys, Samsung, The Sun and Tango. The sharks found a way to swim into his private estate and ripped the tubby cringe-merchant into shreds, leaving behind several DVD copies of ‘Lesbian Vampire Killers’ that may prove to be their motive.

True to his commercial obligations to the last, his dying words are said to be his confused.com catchphrase: “They call me Mr Green-light…” in gratitude of which confused.com have agreed to pay for the funeral arrangements.

“James getting eaten by sharks is terrible” said Matt Horne “now I guess I’m the least funny one in our comedy duo.”

People have made fun of Corden for being a bit fat and ugly for years, which in these enlightened times is hugely unfair. Everyone at BFNN would like to remember him for more than just his physical appearance, let us never forget that he was also the opposite of funny, an advertising sell-out and a very poor actor who would crop up in in any old shite if the fee was right.

RIP Smithy, you fat cunt.

-Samuel Thurston