Jamie Oliver has announced to the press that he will be closing six of his effortlessly mediocre restaurants in May, in order to concentrate more fully on his real passion; loudly and incessantly judging you on your poor life choices.

Sir Oliver broke the news to his adoring fan on his website earlier with the following message:

“Oy geezers, I’ve got some pukka news! Guess what? I’m closing down six of my restaurants so that I can spend more time letting you know what shit parents you are and clarifying to you how everything that you do is taking you one step closer to a cold, fattie’s grave. In June I’m doing a one hour special where I teach Calais refugees how to make healthy feel-good foods out of sand, truffle oil and despair. Brrrrrrrap!
Then in September I will be travelling the country, finding women who bottle feed their babies and staring at them for an uncomfortably long time whilst a single, perfect tear trickles down my glossy cheek. You’d think during that exchange my piehole will be closed, but don’t worry, it’s still going to be hanging sloppily open like that of a posh monkfish. Amazeballs!”

Family man Jamie confirmed to reporters that he will of course be taking his exhausted wife and five weary children along to each of his gigs gushing: “Of course Mrs Jamie and our four or five little Jamies will be coming along for the adventure, they’re my rocks! When I come home after a long day of enriching everything there they are, keen to hear all about my day, their bloodshot little eyes glassy with wonder and admiration. Bosh!”

Jamie initially found fame after opening his first restaurant, “19,” named after the average age of a soldier in the Vietnam war. He will be issuing hi-fives and P45’s some time in June, and has promised staff that he will be rubber stamping, “laavely,” on their foreheads as a hip and stylish reference.