Have you ever performed a lovely, selfless act for somebody, only to have it thrown back in your face? If so, spare a thought for Jesus, who has expressed his regret at dying to save the sins of such an unappreciative bunch of heathens.
Speaking to us exclusively, Mr Christ, 33, of no known fixed-terrestrial address, voiced his dismay at being involuntarily crucified, and the posthumous repercussions of his death.
‘‘People seem to think that I died to save the sins of humanity. I just liked impressing my mates by turning water into wine, and the next thing you know, I’m getting crucified for it. Literally!’’
‘‘Everybody thinks I planned this whole debacle, but it actually was my Dad’s idea. I really regret the whole event, and I just wish everybody would stop making such a big deal about.’’
Despite the good intentions of the crucifixion, it seems some people are still persistently sinning through acts such as adultery, masturbation, blasphemy, hypocrisy and fun. Many blame the increasing popularity of both Humanism and Jeremy Corbyn for the recent abandonment of morals, but Jesus disagrees.
‘‘I just don’t think my death was a big enough spectacle to really get people to change their ways. Maybe if I’d gone out like a flaming monk, people would really have taken the whole Christian message thing a little more seriously.’’
Since his untimely death, Mr Christ has nonetheless accrued a loyal and significant group of followers, much like that of Harambe the gorilla, who also died in tragic circumstances. Since Jesus’ death and subsequent resurrection, the Facebook page for Jesus has received over 5.5 million ‘likes’, only 81 million shy of the total amount of likes for footballing sensation Lionel Messi.