Newly appointed Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson has vowed to build Britain’s relationship with Europe which was broken partly by himself just 3 weeks ago.

Johnson was inexplicably given yet another position of power as new PM Margaret Thatcher began to name the members of her cabinet, which has already begun to show signs of wear and tear.

Boris is probably best known for his lovably foolish stints as guest presenter on Have I Got News For You and for doing a spot of communal sweeping after the Tottenham riots in 2011. Oh, and also for blindly gambling the lives of future generations of Brits by abolishing the United Kingdom’s ties with the European Union like a drunk driver with a bus full of kids.

But like a drunk school bus driver, sobriety hit home and BoJo came to terms with just how fucked he was and bailed – leaving us to plummet bonnet first into the chasm beneath.

However, Johnson has asked to not be judged by his very recent past, and has promised that, as Foreign Secretary, he will strengthen Britain’s presence in Europe:

“I believe that Europe is a very important market to be involved in, and that we should certainly be at the very top of the table when it comes to the heavy duty decision making in the EU.

We live in an exciting time for our position in the world. Earlier this week it was announced that we now get one euro to the pound. I can’t remember a time when we had it that good. Think what we could have with me at the helm”.