Following 2016’s successful bout of serial celebrity killings, it has been called into question whether 2017 shall be as ruthless as its predecessor with many doomsayers predicting that Keith Richards could fall afoul to the new year.
Governments worldwide are considering precautionary measures to protect Richards, which include cutting off his access to alcohol, paying for his Bupa membership and, as a final measure, placing him in protective custody.
In order to address growing public unease, the Rolling Stone released an exclusive statement to BFNN:
‘2016 has been one bugger of a year, with many of our icons passing from this world, but it’s going to take more than 2017 to knock me off. I survived the 70s despite my best efforts, I’ve been electrocuted and fallen out of a coconut tree. I’m going to be here until the fucking rapture. Bring it on 2017!’