It was another dark day for the London housing market as it was announced that letting agents will now be allowed to demand ownership of a tenants’ soul as part of their rental deposit.
Tenants who do not possess a soul (such as those who have ginger hair or work in recruitment) can substitute their parent or guardian’s soul as a guarantor, but they will need to pay a £160 plus VAT admin charge.
“We already take all of our tenants’ savings, full credit histories and their dignity,” said Foxtons’ boss Jet Steel, 22 “so it makes sense that we should also demand part of their mortal soul – we wouldn’t want people getting into the afterlife if they had rent arrears”
The methods of obtaining the soul vary from agent to agent, Dexters use the traditional method of drawing out a five-pointed star using children’s’ bones and dog milk whereas Foxtons and Your Move are employing Dementors. Smaller independent lettings businesses are using the cheaper ‘coat hanger and a Bible’ method but only once tenants have provided details of their GP and next of kin.
Scum landlord Duncan Spunkun is all in favour of the move, saying that he would retain his tenants’ souls if they missed a rent payment, stained his carpets or dared to complain about his surveillance cameras in the bathroom.