It was just another wintry February evening when lonely masturbator, Lee Thorogood (42) of Northampton, logged on to his desktop to perform the long-awaited necessity that a 9-5 had deprived him of for the full day.

Tapping away the URL to his favourite site, Lee waited with baited breath as the page unfurled screenshot upon screenshot depicting more filth than a North London fried chicken shop. With desire in his heart and glans in his hand, he was about to select a video that took his fancy when a small advertising box distracted him from all other boxes on screen.

Hot women in your area want to have sex with you RIGHT NOW

Hardly believing what he was reading, Lee ripped his hand from his crotch and began to punch the air. It had been many years and many restraining orders since he had felt a woman’s touch, but he now had PROOF there were women, just a stone’s throw away, who wished to make love with him.

Lee tore away from the adult website and logged onto Facebook, tapping away in a frenzy that he would satiate his hunger for the flesh with a boldly-worded status.

Get in! Haha wankrs! Loadsa birds round here nd they all wanna shag ME!

Mr Thorogood is currently in police custody pending charges of forcing his way into the house of a woman two doors down from him and trying to engage her in “atleast a blowie”.