It’s celebration time for enemies of pop’s most embarrassing grandmother as it was leaked from sources close to the star that she is down to her final 3 horcruxes, following the untimely death of music legend Prince late last week.

A horcrux is the concealment of a portion of soul, created by a dark witch or wizard, to ensure immortality, and usually takes the form of an object of some distinguish to the caster. But, on more than one occasion, sentient beings have been used for such dark purposes.

For years it has been speculated how Madonna continues to exist in her mortal coil, with her current form’s age being estimated at well over 400. Some guessed maybe she had access to a Philosopher’s Stone, but these theories were debunked after Albus Dumbledore confirmed “We destroyed it in Book 1, fuckers“.

Nevertheless, Madonna continued to live and bring shame on the world as any 50 year old woman in gold hot pants would. A horcrux was suspected after her tragic fall at the Brit Awards last year which, for a woman her age, should have seen her body shatter and crumble to dust. But she emerged largely unscathed.

Now it can finally be revealed that Madonna has been clinging to the vestiges of life through a number of horcruxes. The number was rumoured to be 5 in total, before Michael Jackson passed away in 2009. With Prince’s death, our whistle-blower believes just 3 are left.

“The last 3 could be anybody, but the pattern seems to be that she is using people with actual musical talent as the hosts for her soul. If Keith Richards is one then we’re well and truly fucked”