Regulars in Wetherspoons were shocked to witness a man with an IQ over seventy pick a fight.

Police who arrived at the scene were surprised to discover that the perpetrator had a strong grasp of the English language and a full set of teeth.

Witnesses of the incident claim that the confrontation began as a dispute over contrasting analytical stances on ‘The Great Gatsby’. The victim suggested there was a strong queer reading between Nick and Gatsby; he was subsequently rewarded with a right hook for his efforts.

Josie King, one of the bar staff, was equally as bemused as the police. “Normally it starts with some gorilla yelling “You fuckin’ want sum mate?” It tends to escalate from there really and normally ends with a load of spilt Fosters and an ASBO. It was strange seeing two blokes wearing loafers going at it like that, it’s the last thing you expect to see at work.”

After the fight both parties involved apologised profusely to the bar staff, cleaned up their mess, apologised to the patrons and then to each other. Neither party pressed charges.


  • Luke Burgoyne