In a move that could have been created by the man himself, the Leave and Remain campaigns have agreed that if Britons vote to stay in the European Union on Thursday then Michael Gove will be sacrificed live on air.
BBC and Sky have already won bids to host the event that promises to serve the Justice Secretary a taste of his own medicine, and will broadcast the protracted, feature-length gorefest in unflinching detail, to a brood of blood-baying masses.
Director General of BBC Television had this to say to us:
“We’re so excited that both sides of the debate were able to come to an amicable arrangement should we decide to remain. Both parties will, i’m sure, be thrilled to see that awful man bloodlet on TV. It may even stop them from tuning into ITV and watching the football, who knows“.
In the run-up to the Referendum, Gove has been a prominent advocate for Team Leave, and with Boris being significantly more powerful than Gove and Farage being a lot more blokey – it falls to the man who embodies all the worst in a Tory politician to suffer the ultimate punishment.
A straw poll showed that literally everybody in the country is delighted at the prospect of seeing Gove skewered and donated to appease Europanus Unus, the almighty overlord of the European Union, in an attempt to make amends between the two broken halves.
Gove’s peers have already bid their farewells to The Unholy One as they prepare for another 400 years under the thumb of Brussels, with most agreeing “it’s been a long time coming“.