Just in time for his new album of ancient blues rock cover versions, singer and man-raisin Sir Mick Jagger has managed to father another child at the ripe old age of 106.

“I’m thinking of naming her Ruby Tuesday or Angie” said Mick. “But Bill Wyman is not going to get much contact until the little one is over 18”

Jagger’s virility is a miracle of modern science, with leading boffins left guessing at how his dusty old jism has managed to impregnate someone.

“We think it’s all the drugs” said a top Spunkologist, “Mick and Keef did a marijuana at least three times in the 1960s, and you should have seen the amount of cough mixture on offer when they toured Morocco in ‘71, sometimes they would drink beer when they weren’t even thirsty, it was wild”

Samples of Jaggers age-defying man mess have been bottled by both Olay and Nivea skincare companies since spring 2015, so if you have felt your skin feeling rejuvenated – it could be Jagger’s Satisfaction all over your chin.

 

-Samuel Thurston