Followers of Islam will be allowed to break the speed limit during their 30 days of Ramadan.
A spokeswoman for the Metropolitan Police stated “Everyone drives a bit faster when they’re stressed, it’s science. So can you imagine how hard you’d floor it if you basically haven’t eaten for a week or two? You’d be going like the clappers. We simply don’t have the resources to go after all of them so we’re just going to leave them to it and hope for the best.”
Shappi Smith, a Muslim mother of two who wears a hijab said “As fast as I like? That’s really excellent. I’m always late to mosque during Ramadan as I have to take a taxi and for some reason there’s a huge queue, but if I drive myself I can just speed through town to get there on time.”
John Conners, a cantankerous 40 year-old bloke in a pub worryingly near your house, said “It’s a disgrace. The roads of this land were built by the English, for the English to speed on when the police aren’t looking. This is just left-wing hand-wringing as per usual. There’s nothing left for white, British people anymore. Nothing at all. EVERYTHING is about the Islamics.”
Mr. Conners then resumed his pint while watching West Ham on the pub’s massive telly, occasionally breaking his concentration to flick through an old copy of Nuts magazine.
Opposition parties have been swift to condemn the action, because that’s essentially what opposition does when the government announces something that lots of people might not like.
“It’s probably very concerning” Said Nigel Minaj, leader of UPIK. “I don’t want to live in a world where speeding has become legitimised for the sake of a silly holiday. Although it does mean there will be fewer immigrants in my way to make me late to meetings, so I’m in two minds about the whole thing.”
In a poll conducted by BFNN, 42% said they were against the measure, while only 12% said they were in favour, and 46% said they would like to “be left the fuck alone while I’m shopping, you clipboard-prick”.
We asked the Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Atkinson, to give his view: “It is important that we consider the feelings and sensitivities of all faiths” he urged, “besides, Ramadan is all about “fast”, so do the maths.”
The Vice-Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Atkinson, nodded in agreement and added “On a personal level, I don’t really care that much, as long as Christians are still allowed to drink and drive at Christmas.”