Prime Minister Theresa May has assured her fellow horse-poking, toffee-nosed inbred Toffs that her new bill of rights is to be extended to apply to them, after many Conservatives voiced their worry about being left out.

May has made no secret of her wish to be rid of the Human Rights Act, introduced by Labour in 1998, after realising it applies to all of the “undesirables”, such as the poor, people with dangerous dogs, and Liverpool.

However, the word “Human” is what May took real issue with, as it was implied it did not cover her Cyberman colleagues:

My new bill of rights won’t include any specification as to who it applies to, because us empty-hearted androids at the Conservative Party have often been neglected when it comes to human rights”, came the flat monotonous of the Lizard Queen. “Obviously we’ll make it so the people who really need these rights won’t have access to them because they’ll only waste them.

Senior Tories have welcomed the bold move to invite their rich posh selves into the human fold after years of being neglected and persecuted by legislature. “BoJo” Boris Johnson commends his role in Britain leaving the European Union as the reason the government now has more free reign to subjugate the lower classes, saying: “It’s about time we clarified exactly who qualifies as a human. While I was chairman of London I met a lot of, let’s call them shifty individuals who only know the bills that come at the beginning of every month. They’re not interested in human rights.