Labour chiefs have decided that anyone with a social conscience is not allowed to vote in the upcoming leadership elections. Also banned are anyone who’s ever given to charity, adopted a rescue dog or helped an old lady across the road.

People who throw pound coins at food banks so they can watch the poor scrabble around in the dirt for them will be given 2 votes in the election, anyone who gives a £20 donation towards the upkeep of Trident will be given a bonus 5 votes.

“We don’t want Trotskyites, Commies or Lesbos infiltrating our party” said deputy leader Tom Watson at a press conference: “We especially don’t want anyone with socialist values or who cares about others to be able to have an influence – this is the Labour Party, not some workers’ union or lefty peace camp”

Potential voters’ Facebook and Twitter accounts will be screened before the election, with anyone who has ever shared a Rage Against The Machine or Billy Bragg song on social media immediately taken off the register. Anyone who has ever worn a beret, denim jacket or hareem pants will have their vote automatically counted as one for the Greens.

“Only allowing pre-picked applicants to vote in our elections is what democracy is all about” added Ian McNichol, Labour Party general secretary “Jeremy Corbyn having over 60% of the vote even after we’ve rigged every rule possible against him just proves how unelectable and outdated he is”