The Liberal Democrats have published a damning internal report on the party’s disastrous general election result, nine months after losing almost all of their MPs, MEPs and councillors.

The report concluded that the Lib-Dems had been seen as ‘willing supplicants’ to the Conservatives during the coalition, and were ‘despised by almost everyone, even themselves.’

“Nobody likes us, and we don’t blame them,” said Nick Clegg. “We have to face facts – we lost 85% of our MPs, 2,000 councillors… you know how many MEPs we have left? One. UKIP got 24, and they don’t even turn up.”

Mr Clegg said he had learnt his lessons from the experience. “If I’d known back then that supporting the bedroom tax, helping to privatise the NHS and tripling the tuition fees I’d promised to abolish would make me unpopular, I’d probably have done things differently. If David had let me, of course.”

Mr Clegg had told party activists he would ‘flay himself mercilessly’ for his misdeeds, but they were not to be placated. “No, they hate me, they hate the party, and I think they hate themselves. We were actually going to adopt Nirvana’s ‘I hate myself and I want to die’ as our song for the party conference this year, but nobody wanted to attend, so we didn’t bother.”

Critics have described the Lib-Dem report, entitled ‘why we lost the election’, as ‘almost as pointless as asking junior doctors why they had low morale’.