While Zika virus fears proved unfounded, massive-faced golf midget Rory McIlroy has revealed that he does not regret missing the Rio Olympics one bit as he managed to achieve a personal best in his daily wank stats.

Turned it up to 11

“I knew I’d have a fair bit of free time during the Olympiad, so I thought something like this might be on the cards,” said the serial bottler, “But managing to knock out 11 in one day was well beyond my own expectations. It was like something out of Team GB. Or Team Ireland. I’m not sure.”

“I thought I’d manage my best on the beach volleyball days, obvs, but bizarrely, it was during the dressage event that I really found my form. Not even Clare Balding could put me off.”

Shaft Control

“I managed 11 that day and a total of four during the dressage alone! If golf was a real sport and I was a proper athlete, I reckon I’d have managed 14, but I’m not complaining!”

“My putting has been piss-poor this year so I thought managing the vinegar strokes while I waited for a decent shot of the horses’ hind-quarters would help improve my shaft control.”

“I’ve got a girlfriend.” He added, sadly.


– Kitty Flint