With the Rio Olympics behind us and the Paralympics to come, there has been a growing realisation amongst certain parts of the country that their lives have been nothing more than a long list of failed dreams and a development of dull personalities.

There was mixed reaction in Durham where local girl Amy Tinkler (gymnast and wet dream for perverts) won an Olympic bronze. Many were ecstatic for her success whilst some began to wonder what they have done with themselves for the majority of their lives.

Local man Kevin Jenkins said “It was great to see a 16 year old girl from my hometown accomplishing more than I, as someone who has done nothing but lived with his mother for the best part of 65 years and have no redeeming qualities to talk about, it’s made me realise that my life has been wasted by having no interests and skills”.

Local housewife and vacuous twat Beverly Nolan said “I loved seeing young Amy doing the whole town proud in Rio, but looking back I’ve come to the conclusion that all I’ve done is raise my boring family and marry a casual racist who I despise whilst socialising with work colleagues who secretly hate me”.

Needless to say that the Olympics success has not only brought patriotic joy for those who like to make excuses for themselves, it has also made other people feel as if all the events in their miserable existence have been for absolutely nothing and always will be.


– Jack Harris