Season’s greetings’ to everyone who can’t cope with social interaction! What’s in Santa’s bulging anxiety sack for you this year? A firm handshake that turns into a cuddle with your Uncle Norman? A single air-kiss that you go the wrong way on and end up getting off with your Mum? A fist bump with your sister’s boyfriend Jerome that could be construed as racial profiling?

Luckily BFNN has a handy guide to greeting your friends and relatives this Christmas:

People wearing red/green Christmas jumpers = No holds barred, go in for a kiss on each cheek and a warm embrace.
Male relative in Christmas cracker paper hat = Offer limp handshake and don’t make eye-contact.
Divorced Aunty Sandra = Single air kiss and medium grip hug around shoulders.
Divorced Aunty Sandra after she’s been drinking Buck’s Fizz all day = Kiss on lips (tongues optional) and forceful hug around waist.
Partners of blood relatives = Friendly hand on shoulder. Don’t try to remember their name, they’ll be with their own families next year.
Partners of non-blood relatives = Do not acknowledge, what’s the point?
Anyone in novelty antlers = Punch in face.
Children = Play it safe with a high five.
Posh children = Send them out onto the veranda to play while the grown ups drink port and talk about Brexit.

-Samuel Thurston