Anyone who uses portmanteau words will be officially registered as a twunt under a new police initiative.
The newly formed Trendy Word Abuse and Terrorism Squad (TWATS) will also have licence to arrest and imprison, for 14 days without charge, anyone who employs the terms like Brexit, Grexit or vajazzle.
Head of TWATS Chief Inspector Gary Crispin said: “We hope to nip this worrying and pretentious phenomenon in the bud.
“Because of these words, there are some parts of the UK, as well as social media, that are no-go areas for the right-minded plain-speaking British public, whether they be black, white, Muzzies, Gyppos or benders.”
Portmanteau word abuser and part-time management consultant Chas Parkinson said: “I think this a ginormous waste of police time. These fidiotic new proposals have no place in this fantabulous country.
“It’s my absomental human right to say what I want even if the fastards in the fauthorities throw me in Belmarsh with the frapers and the man who used to draw Rolfaroos.”
Chief Inspector Cripsin added: “Anyone caught using terms such as edutainment, jeggings and swapportunity will also be placed on the sex offenders register for five years, wear a bullshit-detecting lemon-spraying neck tag for life and be forced to work the news desk at BuzzFeed to see how they fucking like it.”