Sick pervert and ball kicker Adam Johnson admitted today that his preferred alcoholic drink of choice is wine that aged at least FIFTEEN YEARS.

This entirely coincidental and tenuous connection between the sexual appetite of the footballer has shocked absolutely no-one but we’re running it as a story anyway.

I mean really, who even reads this anyway? You probably saw the headline and laughed because of the laboured link between vintage wine and schoolgirls. That’s the entire joke right there.

We’re in the fourth paragraph now.

Fifth paragraph.

Six paragraph. I mean, there really is nothing else to this joke.

Adam Johnson could not be reached for comment.