Pig farmers up and down the country are reporting a growing sense of unease amongst their swine as David Cameron today prepares to vacate 10 Downing Street.
‘Yes, the pigs are very restless,’ said one farmer, ‘Some of my lot have run riot in their enclosure, turned it into a right pig-sty…oh.’
‘Others have wiped their shit off the walls of their pen in a clean-protest, knowing that Mr Cameron won’t be under the same sort of scrutiny now he’s no longer in the top job.’
It’s unknown whether the Prime Minister intends to return to pig-fucking when he leaves office later today, and pigs are calling from assurances from Theresa May that Mr. Cameron will be properly monitored upon his release back into the wild.
‘It must be possible to adapt one of those electronic ankle bracelets to go on his wang,’ said pig, Reg Trotter today. ‘He’s made a pig’s ear of the country and I don’t want to wake up to find that he’s fucked mine too. The dirty bastard.’
And Trotter says that it’s not just pig farms that are worried.
‘My sister-in-law was picked up by Revlon to ‘participate’ in animal testing. It’s doesn’t bear thinking about what might happen to her if he happens to be around the day she’s got lipstick on…’
- Steve Blair