If you’re a royal-loving fruit bag, and you were around the Kensington area earlier today – you may have noticed the presence of a familiar and ancient Scooby Doo villain masquerading as our Duke of Edinburgh, winding his way through a particularly saucy store…

Yes, this is the news that everybody’s favourite friendly bigot, and probable Moussaka lover, Prince Philip, was clocked shopping in the Ann Summers outlet on Kensington High St, in the run-up to his wife Liz’s (known formally as ‘The Queen’) 90th birthday.

Ann Summers is a globally recognised vendor of sex apparel, selling an unholy array of objects designed specifically to be inserted into the good body parts that Mormons in Utah would rather we didn’t see.

Men who traditionally stay away from such a place for fear of erectile embarrassment in a garden of 11″ dildos, sometimes venture to Summers on Valentine’s Days, birthdays, or when their marriage is just going a bit stale. After half a century of marriage, it is wondered if Phil needs a new way of giving his wife the Royal Ascent.

Excited and appalled onlookers were quick to live Tweet the Duke’s perusal of the holy carnal halls:

OMG I just saw Prince Phillip looking at anal beads!

The Duke was heard to be making light conversations with shop assistants, revealing that they often hide the Queen’s crown in a far wing of Buckingham Palace to be rid of Charles for a few hours of royal, naughty time.