The internetting world has been shocked and devastated after rumours swept around social media that Queen had died over Christmas.
Crowds of thousands have gathered outside Buckingham Palace in a subservient outpouring of public grief, forcing a spokesperson to issue an official statement, saying: “Of course she’s not dead, she’s never even been a rock singer, you bloody morons. Go speak to someone in the Band. Noddy Holder or whatever his name is. I don’t care. Just, like, fucking disperse.”
Later on Jim Beeach, long time Manager of Queen told reporters, “The lads and I are really confused, they are obviously still very much alive- kicking arse and taking names. We literally have no idea where this has come from. All we can think of is that a Facebook “On This Day” post was generated from way back when Freddie died, though that can’t be it; since then the band have definitely grown way awesomer and even more alive. Especially since Susan Boyle became our lead singer, she’s a little spitfire.
You know what? I bet Status Quo are behind this. For the last ten years Francis Rossi has sent me a Christmas Card saying that they’re coming for us and bringing double denim back when they do it. I hate that spiteful, twinkly eyed old Satanist.”
The public have since calmed the fuck down about dead English royalty and gone back to mourning a galactic princess, some of the younger ones even going so far as to watch the first three Star Wars films without whinging about the shit special effects, gaping plot holes and dwarves dressed as teddies.